The Student Union Store at the University of Google

"Hi, and welcome to 'Tell Everybody, Why Don't You?' How may I help you expose your deepest, darkest, most precious secrets to the greatest number of libertarian males aged 19–34 who have access to both the internet and their parents' collection of 70s vinyl?"

"I'm looking to start a secret society to infiltrate all upper echelons of governments world-wide, and I'm not sure where to start."

"Well, you've come to the right place, my friend. I can definitely get you on your way. But first I hope you don't mind answering a few questions. Is your conspiracy to be ethnicity- or alien-controlled?"

"Alien."

"Greys or Lizard People?"

"Blancmange."

"Classic. Now, what about your people on the ground? Are they to take the form of a service club, an Ivy-league fraternity, or a cable news network?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I can only help ensure your conspiracy is as widely and broadly known as possible. You'll still need to provide the conspirators. Personally, I'd recommend against the fraternity with an alien-based conspiracy—even conspiracy theorists find the idea of aliens traveling the vastness of space to chug from beer bongs and carry eggs between their butt-cheeks a little far-fetched."

"Oh, right. Um, service club?"

"Good choice. Here are your strange hats. Now, what about symbology? Are you partial to antiquities, geometry, or prog rock album covers?"

"I don't know."

"Well, do you want your conspiracy to look ancient, Middle Eastern, or undiscoverable until the advent of acid and amp feedback?"

"Ooh, that's a tough choice."

"Well, alien service clubs are pretty flexible. We can do up a media package that incorporates a little of all three. Anyway, I think I've got all I need for now. It'll take me a day or so to work up an estimate. I'll contact you via crop circles in a farm outside of Framlingham when it's done. If you like what you see, simply build a sacrificial ziggurat in Belize, and we'll get started."

"Sounds great. Hey, listen: I'm a bit short, so when do you think I can start to see some returns?"

"Oh, I anticipate that within three months you'll be blamed for everything from the taste of aspartame to storms in Africa."

"The Enya song?"

"That too."

"Okay, but I meant in terms of money. When does that start flowing our way?"

"Money? What does that have to do with anything?"

"What? Money is the reason for having a cabal! Money and power! Otherwise, what's the point?!"

"I'm afraid you've been fed some bad information. The point of a secret global cabal is to convince as many conspiracy theorists as possible that they've discovered a secret global cabal. And putting eyeball pyramids on bills; 'cause that's just funny. As for operational funds; you're already planning to infiltrate governments, so you'll be covered. It's called corruption in the developing world, and lobbying in the developed."

"Damn. I really had my eye on something more sinister."

"When you become a government official, you could always find an industry that's working well and not killing people, and then deregulate it."

"Phooey. That stinks."

"West Virginia already has a governor, but you're thinking in the right direction. Now, if there's nothing else I can help you with right now, please excuse me. A high-ranking official is expected to die within twenty to twenty-five years, and I need to forecast that via carefully placed hedges in a neighbourhood park in Rotterdam."

"Which official?"

"Wait twenty to twenty-five years, and you tell me."