Brownian's Guide to Being Inappropriate at Work:

Without Resorting to Racism, Sexual Harassment, or Profanity.

What follows are lessons on shocking and/or amusing co-workers without having to depend on the tired clichés of racist or sexist comments, or outright disagreeability. Each lesson is illustrated with an excerpt (or two) of actual conversations I've had with co-workers in a typical day (yesterday in fact). While I've not yet had to deal with the dreaded trip to the HR office, I would recommend checking with your workplace's policies on inappropriate office behaviour. It's hard to defend your daily lunchtime paean to the wonders of cannibalism while digging into your pork tartare if section 1.4.1.2 of the Policies & Procedures Manual explicitly forbids such discussions. It should be noted that I am not a work-place jerk, and in fact am very well-liked by the majority of my co-workers, probably for the very reason that I engage in interactions like the examples given below (I also single-handedly made it okay to wear jeans on non-Fridays. Next I will end the tyranny of shaving!) I also recommend leaving your quieter employees alone; I only pick on those who deserve it by being obnoxious and opinionated to begin with. Plus, in my experience it's the quiet ones who are most likely to blow up the building.

Lesson Number 1: Religion is the opiate of the masses.
Religion is a particular favourite of mine simply because you rarely have to do anything to get the loonies to come out of the woodwork. Case in point: I found out the Smug Mormon's religious orientation before my job interview had ended. The key lesson here is one of guerrilla warfare: strike fast then get the hell out of there. You do not want to get into a protracted theological discussion with some proselytising Moonie, no matter how boring you may have thought your job was before. Plus, you'll come across as an equally-annoying asshole to any observers.

Example:
On whether 'heretical' books like The Da Vinci Code or the Harry Potter series pose a threat to people's belief systems and should thus be banned...
Mormon: If one's faith is so weak that somehow reading a book will damage it, then one should really reconsider what one believes in.
Me: I'm not sure. As an atheist I can say for certain that I've read at least one book that caused me to renounce my Christianity.
Semi-retired Co-worker: Oh? Which book?
Me: The Bible.

Lesson Number 2: Opium is the opiate of the masses.
I enjoy making reference to drugs and drug culture at work mainly because in today's political and social climate even the most ascetic of teetotallers know that recreational drug use has spread beyond hippie-dom and is a cultural reality that's not likely to end anytime soon. Plus, you may just find a kindred spirit with a more reliable dealer. Never admit to using drugs yourself! If pressed, claim you overheard the neighbour's kid talking with his friends. (That'll bring Mr. Checkerboard Lawn and his spoiled brat down a peg!) BE SURE YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH YOUR ORGANISATION'S POLICIES ON RANDOM DRUG TESTING!

Examples:
On how many grams in an ounce...
Co-worker who's always on the phone making personal calls: [Overheard on the phone] There're 28.35 grams in an ounce. That's right. One ounce. 28.35 grams.
Me: Whatever you're buying, I'll go in with you. Put me down for an 8-ball.

On picking furniture for the new office we're moving to...
Smug Mormon: Ooh, this desk comes with an 'accessory rail'. What's an 'accessory rail'?
Me: That's the small line of coke—also known as a 'bump'—you do when you're beginning to come down.

Lesson Number 3: Nonsense, ¿No se? and non sequiturs.
This category includes random or nonsensical comments, deliberate misinterpretations of others' comments or actions, or otherwise atypical reactions to very typical situations. In essence, this involves channelling a little bit of the Family Guy and should represent the bulk of your inappropriateness arsenal. They can range from extremely contentious to the childishly benign and their versatility allows them to be tailored to fit nearly any workplace situation. In the early stages of the development of your workplace personality (or, as I like to call it, your 'cubicality'), these serve a dual purpose: they allow you to assess your audience's sense of humour, intelligence, and tolerance; and they serve to 'prime' your audience. Priming your audience is key; I once complained to a properly-primed audience of co-workers that I was tired of being viewed by women as a 'safe date' (the human equivalent of a steer). When asked what reputation I would prefer, I deadpanned 'sexual predator' to only a few scattered groans. Later, these are ideal for maintenance as in the example below.

Example:
On wishing me luck for tonight's opening of my off-Fringe play...
Semi-retired Co-worker: Break a leg.
Me: What?
Semi-retired Co-worker: I said, 'Break a leg.' In the theatre, aren't you supposed to say 'break a leg' rather than 'good luck'?
Me: Oh. In that case, 'I hope you trip, spill your coffee, and chip a tooth on your mug, jerk!'

Well, that's all the time I have for today. I hope you enjoyed reading this slightly less than I did writing it (sorry, but I just can't stand to see anyone happier than me). Remember that the means to success in any endeavour is "practice, practice, and, um, location." I wish you all the best of luck in your subsequent job hunts.